I’m having mixed emotions right now. And I don’t know why. Today (over here it’s already close to midnight) I felt prety good, had nice chats with people from all over the world. But right now I don’t feel good, it’s a strange feeling, like I want to cry, but there are no tears. Actually, I’m even feeling weak, not able to fight this and that I hate that. I want to feel happy, feel strong. Right now it’s as if I’m a victim, showing victim behavior and that’s just not me. But it happens a lot lately. Mixed emotions, moodswings. I’m also sweating a lot. My god, what’s happening!
I really had to give myself a kick to the but to start writing, because I know that writing helps me feel stronger. Sharing, expressing, it all helps.
But the question is: should I fight what my emotions are trying to tell me or should I just surrender? Let it happen… oh my god, that’s scary, what would happen if I allowe myself to let this “just” happen… would I sink deeper into the down feelings, and feel worse… or would I come to peace by accepting myself right here right now, in the present moment…
I’m a strong believer in creating the life you want, in the fact that I’m responsible for my life, and it feels like I’d be a loser if I allowe myself to admit that I’m not always the strong woman I want to be.
On the other hand it’s an expression of true inner power to be strong enough to face the “devils” passing your way. So what to do… My mind is working and working, my thoughts are thinking, I let them think. Wow I can think! I’m aware. That’s great. But still no answer.
I don’t want to feel sad! I want to be happy. I want to feel the flow, the energy, I want to grow, feel good, create a happy life! Don’t be on the down side.
The more I try fighting the down sad feelings the bigger they become, that’s the way the Universe works, and I’m experiencing it right now. What you focus on will grow, will become bigger. The Universe doesn’t know the difference between yes and no, if you focus on NOT wanting to feel bad, sad, down, depressed, confused etc. than you’ll get more of bad, sad, down, depressed, confused etc. Because you simply focus.
And there is the answer… it makes no sense fighting this present moment. And I don’t need to surrender as well. I’ll start thinking happy thoughts, a bit hard when you feel drained 
but not impossible! The power in me is already there to turn this present moment in the best moment of my life. To accept and love myself no matter what. To nurture my inner being, to accept myself exactly the way I am.
I believe we are all perfect. Sometimes it’s hard to believe, I’m still learning!
To blog in English is a challenge. I blog in Dutch too, but this is really different. In a strange way it seems easier to blog in English, to express myself in a language that’s not my native language. I’m sure there are lots of spelling mistakes, sorry for that, but I’m sure you’ll forgive me for that!
As I’m writing in this present moment, I already start to feel better. My inner power hasn’t left me, it was just relaxing in the shadow of my down side… waiting for me to call it back into the sparkling light of my soul.
I’m feeling a bit tired, but not tired enough to go to bed. I don’t need much sleep. I’m a night person. Especially now when it’s quiet, no phonecalls, no traffic, no nothing, only my pc, radio on, and that’s it. I love this time of night… All by myself. My dogs are sleeping, totally at peace. Do you think they have moodswings too? I don’t think so… They should teach me their secret!
A smile comes on my face. I’m so glad I kicked my bud and dragged myself to this place to write! It helps! I’m breaking through the circle of mixed emotions. All emotions are part of us. Part of me. I welcome them. They are mine! I’m the creator of my life and emotions. Wow! That’s power isn’t it. And we all have this power! Yes!
I’m not a victim of my circumstances, no way! And still have the right to feel whatever I need and/or want. I always have the choice how to handle whatever happens in the present moment. And so do you! We can’t influence everything that happens in our lives, but we CAN influence the way we deal with it. And no matter what you choose: it’s perfect, because it’s your choice. Let’s respect each others choices… embrace your choices, even if you hate them, they are yours. You created them!
And if you hate what you create then realise that if you can create what you don’t want you can do the opposite as well! Wow! That’s mindlifting, that’s power. And yes, we may be weak sometimes, we may feel down, terrible, sad, like a weak puppy crying… it’s perfect, you have all the right to feel that way. So have I! It’s part of life.
I had a counselor for a while, he teached me a wise lesson: if life sucks don’t fight it, but realise that it’s not forever, it will go by, things will change… That pops into my mind right now and he is so right!
It’s not so strange I feel my moodswings a lot lately. A lot happend this year and in the last months of 2008. A good girlfriend was killed by her boyfriend, my beloved dog Boomer died this year, I recently had to fight mice in my house and I’m fobic, I’m very afraid of mice… they are gone now… One of my birds died, he was a darling, special to me, and all of the sudden he was gone…
Lots of losses lately, that has an impact. If I were my own best friend now I’d say to myself: it’s not so weird that you have these moodswings… And it isn’t. And still I’m here, right now in front of my pc, I survived a lot of things I thought I’d never survive, especially the dead of Boomer. He was so dear to me. I miss him so much. Lots of people think: so what, it’s “just” a dog… but for me he was a great friend, we had a special relationship, I loved and still love him. He’s in my heart forever, but it’s not the same. And that makes me sad. Below a picture of him:
